I used to think divorce would never be part of my story. I watched my parents split after 25 years of marriage and promised myself, "If I ever marry, it’ll be for life."
And yet, 20 years later, there I was—walking the very same path. My former husband and I had been together for a decade. We bought a house, built a business, and shared a life that was solid, but lonely. I felt like I gave emotionally, financially, and physically, and received very little in return. I gave so much that I lost myself. I’d been so invested in him, in “us,” and in my work, there was barely room left for me. And even though I was the one who initiated the divorce, it didn’t make it any easier.
The Unexpected Challenges of Separation
Divorce is more than the end of a relationship—it’s the coming apart of an identity.
As I was deciding what I wanted to do, I was also grieving. But I wasn't just grieving the loss of what was. It was also the loss of what I thought would be. I grieved the children I would never have. I grieved the romantic idea of being married to someone for a lifetime. I grieved the "me" I had lost along the way.
And then, suddenly, I was paying alimony, navigating financial pressures I hadn't counted on, and realizing some friends would quietly fade away. And then came the loneliest question of all: How long am I going to be alone this time? You see, I had never dated much before marrying my husband. My last "long-term" beau was college and it had been a 10-year dry spell between him and meeting my husband.
Not only that, but I felt like a failure, like I would have to start from scratch.
The Turning Point
And one day, I was watching an old Bionic Woman episode from the 70s and the line, “We can rebuild her: better, faster, stronger.” really landed with me.
And that’s when it hit me: yes, divorce was devastating, but it was also my chance to rebuild on my terms. It was the perfect opportunity to decide who I wanted to be, how I wanted to show up for my new world.
I grieved. I let myself feel the anger, the guilt, and even the relief. I mourned the children I never had. I faced the hard truth that I often didn’t feel heard, seen, or understood in my marriage, and decided I never wanted to feel like that again.
The Journey Back to Me
This is where my rediscovery began. As it turns out, I loved being on my own. I started making new friends, exploring new hobbies, and slowly rebuilding my self-image because I had lost all confidence in myself. And this is how my personal development story started!
After I was done with the “blame game,” because, of course, it was all his fault and I did everything I could to save the relationship, I started reading relationship and personal development books and going to personal development seminars. Until then, I didn't know anything about self-improvement. In fact, I remember walking through the self-help section of Barnes & Noble in my 20s, thinking "why can't people be happy with who they are...?" I also knew I didn't want to make the same mistakes again, and I intuitively knew that meant I needed to change how I showed up. All of that learning showed me how. And slowly but surely, a new “Me” emerged. I felt a bit like a butterfly. I turned to mush in my cocoon and was ready to spread my wings!
Going through this journey was essential in shaping my new identity —an identity that aligned with who I truly was. Being married had caused me to lose a significant part of myself, and I was determined to enjoy the process of putting myself back together. Kinda like Humpty Dumpty, but sexier!
I ended up crafting a personal blueprint, journaling, and reflecting on what went well and what I wanted to change. I learned about myself simply because I couldn’t run away from myself! I also started taking better care of myself emotionally, making sure I had boundaries to preserve my space and energy.
I learned to catch my negative self-talk. I recall a time when I was giving myself a tongue-lashing, and I stopped dead in my tracks. I realized, ”OMG! I would never say this to my worst enemy.” And yet here I was, being vicious against myself! Having that moment of clarity was a game-changer for me. While I’m not 100% with the self-talk, I am significantly better than I used to be.
The Support That Saved Me
I am also fortunate to have had a strong group of friends who were there for me. They supported me. They listened to me b*tch. They offered words of reassurance. They helped me move for pizza and beer! And when I felt uncertain or I couldn’t believe in myself, I knew I could go to them for strength and reassurance.
Shedding the Layers & Stepping Into My Authentic Self
Over time, I began embracing my new identity. It felt good, congruent, and authentic. It reminded me of the house my parents owned in CT. Every time they renovated, they found 3-5 layers of mistakes underneath. That’s how I felt! Like I was removing coat after coat of old paint that prevented the natural wood from shining through little by little. I loved this period of my life because I was having a blast as I was growing into this new person.
About a year after my divorce, I met the love of my life. He had also gone through his own PD journey, and we both felt very fortunate to find each other. And 13 years in, we not only love each other, but we still like each other! And that is because we've both learned from our past. We made changes in ourselves and how we show up in our relationship. And personally, I promised myself I would never again make myself small. Whoever came into my life from here on would either love the whole me or none of me. And he loves the whole me, quirks and neuroses included!
Your Turn to Rediscover You
If you’re standing at the edge of your own new beginning, I want you to know this: you can rediscover your authentic self after separation. It’s not a straight road, and it’s not always easy—but it’s worth it.
And YOU are worth it.
Your story isn’t over. In fact, this could be the chapter where you become the truest, most unapologetic version of yourself.
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